consider your achievements

I unfortunately am one of those that has to take the time to consider their acheivements.  It hits me like a ton of bricks in the middle of a movie, in the middle of downtown Seattle, and ruins an otherwise mediocre year.

I don't consider my achievements.  They are falsities, afflicted events that effect other's lives more than mine, leaving me 23 and unhappy; ruminating over 'what might have been's and 'maybe if's.  My ill-fated efforts have ruined the lives of my siblings.  Scratch that, ruined what could have been great lives of my siblings.  Who knows; my siblings could have cured cancer, but because of my big-mouth, may not amount to more than sowing a row of oats and 15 right-wing conservative children.  Fantastic.  Way to do my part. 

There are time in which I attempt internal deliberation, I try to figure what lead me to this point.  I do it every day and I consider it entirely selfish.  Who am I to put myself before others?  I have been doing this since I had recollection and where has it gotten me?  To Seattle, debating whether my brother's unhappiness and my mother's neediness and my step-mother's addiction are cause of me.  Why did I turn out this way?  Why am I so afflicted by some unknown, yet entirely acknowledge quandry?  Why can I not conquer what consumes me?  I'm not weak, nor ill-educated.  I know that no matter what acheivements I may accomplish in the course of my life, I will never erradicate the memories of my past.  I realize I am not trying to impress my sister, succeed my mom or generate respect from my brother.  I am only trying to out do myself and the unattainable level I have set.  I realized just why I do not think I deserve respect or generosity or integrity; which is because I already decided I'm unfit.  Sad.

I like to think that you are in charge of everything (and I do mean everything) that happens to you in your life.  I just don't believe in placing blame on others.  Unhappy with your childhood, well, maybe you shoulda got out there and played for once in your meager life.  Unhappy with your job, weight, house, personality, spouse, children, state of affairs?  Well, get off your lazy complaining ass and DO something about it.  So when it hit me that those around me were entirely able to blame majority of their problems and therefore unadequate lives on a simple answer I happened to give in the company of one woman and one man when i was 11, well, it just kinda knocks you on your ass.  I am crushed.  No wonder I stumple around looking for the Virgin Mary of all occupations that will end world hunger AND enable me to spoil my siblings beyond compare with worldly possessions.  Because I am a) selfish beyond reasoning and b) I have few lifetimes worth of guilt I carry around. 

If giving the chance, I'd walk back to that Virginia house of hell if it meant my brother would acknowledge his potential and my sister didn't have to go the a private Christian college in MN and my step-mother didn't have one hell of an addiction.  Nothing is worth the daily regret.