My taboo

Food is my only taboo. But, as a specimen of the female persuasion, I am frequently locked into discussions or conversation about food and food related topics. It's quite common to hear ladies talking about how much they've eaten, what diet they have recently subscribed to, when they're eating next, what they don't allow themselves to eat, blah blah blah. I found this behavior acceptable previously, but now it is disconcerting. Female friends of mine are always bragging about how little they eat, how infrequently they eat, how great their willpower is. Like I and others are to bow at their great self-control: "I'm sticking to iceberg lettuce all day today, probably tomorrow too." "I've eaten a handful of almonds today, and really I'm not hungry at all." "I'm not going to eat until I see my boyfriend. Honestly, I eat too much anyways." I'm so impressed.

Why is depriving yourself such a great idea? It’s so coveted, or more precisely, the acclaim you are to receive from not feeding yourself is so coveted. I've done it, and the entire time I would torture myself, going days without food, I never bragged. It was a secret battle, my own mini-drama. I hear from my friends that they feel better about themselves when they keep their food under a certain about of calories, or don't eat certain foods. I remember all to well, so well that eating normally feels completely un-normal. The satiated feeling that comes with consuming a decent and acceptable amount of food so foreign it makes me nauseous. ‘Healthy’ feels is so different from what is ordinary to my body that I shy away from it. Like some so uncommon to you that you don’t even want to try it, just stick with what you know. I am comfortable with ‘unhealthy,’ with deprivation. I get almost jealous when I hear my lady friends talk about the absence of food in their day. I remember running on adrenaline, my eyes so big it looks like I dove head first, mouth open into a sack of drugs. Hands shaky from caffeine, thoughts spinning like speed. Not enough hours in the day, yet not enough things to be doing. I remember that, I still have days like that. I forget to eat breakfast or don’t leave enough time and all the sudden I’m running on empty, and high on imbalanced chemistry. Today’s like that. Dunkin coffee keeps me going. My stomach turns knots and I don’t want to eat because I’m queasy, and yet I want to preserve that feeling. A feeling that is so familiar. My friends say they want to burn those extra holiday pounds, “I’ll only fast for a day, it’s not bad if you do it for a day.” And I remember eating only around others to keep up appearances. Food is so taboo. Women celebrate other women’s willpower, the ability to be so controlled. Like the female species got the idea that if we control what goes into our bodies, we can control the exterior. “I’m going to eat carrots and celery all day and I’ll lose 5 pounds and my boss will give me a raise and my husband will adore me as a sex goddess and strangers will want my opinion and everyone will look at my svelte appearance while I push my food around my plate and remain disinterested in eating and say ’That woman has so much self-control, no wonder she has it all.’” Yeah, then you’re body rebels and in your amazing amount of intelligence you believe you can control it by not feeding it and it rebels more and you eat less until your muscles hurt and you can’t think straight and you’re depressed. Like your body is a dysfunctional child that needs to be punished. Yea, that makes sense. But, for a very long time it did make sense to me, and days like today, it seems completely rational.

I don’t like the stupid taboo that I obviously bring to the table. It’s my personal demon, but at the same time I want to scream at females that they are affected too. Telling my friends that I had a healthy serving of pasta last night causes gasps and looks of disgrace, as if I have let the female population down by eating. Too embarrassed am I to admit that I also had FiddleFaddle. And for now, I must go sweat like the rest of the body obsessed ladies.

Leave a Comment

TheJoeD on

Eating isn't just a woman issue. I know, it's shocking! Yet another double standard of male vs. female. Ever dieted as a man? I'm guessing no, but I have. You eat a salad or some yogurt and people are like "are you some kind of a homo?"

Since when is it a crime to be healthy? No I don't have six pack abs, and can't bench press more than like 50 lbs, but there are enough posters and advertisments abound to make me feel like that's the standard of 'male-beauty'.

I know eating disorders are like in a whole other ballpark, just thought I'd toss in the male viewpoint.

Leave a Comment

BLSalerno711 on