no no's in bikram yoga
I frequent bikram yoga because it makes me feel better. Regular 'ol yoga is difficult for me because I cannot focus enough. Somehow the intense heat and difficult poses really center me. You can think of nothing more than getting the pose right and sinking deeper into the stretch. All to the mantra of "fuck(breathe in) fuck(breathe out) fuck(breathe in) fuck(breathe out)."
NEVER- tell your best friend you secret sure-shot fart button. The result will be your friend inpersonating you farting uncontrollably during your attempted moment of zen. Moment of zen's are not for hysterical laughing.
NEVER- wear vanilla scented deodorant to class. While deliciously alluring after immediate application, reminding you of vanilla-rum pina coladas, once mixed with your own body odor will take on the nauseating scent of flamboyantly musty cheap $10 vanilla musk parfum. Sweaty vanilla ass does not promote mediation.
NEVER- wear speedos if you are fifty-plus pounds overweight and then do ab work during the pre-class zen moment. No one is impressed by your tolerance to the dry heat. I silently vomit in my mouth when you pale blue-veiny cellulite stomach compresses with every bicycle crunch you attempt, your black nylon speedo disappearing beneath your doughnut filled lard.
NEVER- forget to wear underwear. Class is not a free show for the creepy dude in the back. While you are supposed to look only at yourself, it is quite disturbing knowing some chick's hairy beaver is attempting to escape her cotton shorts. Doubly disturbing after thinking she had a small ferret taped to her underarms, only to realize said lady does not own a razor.
NEVER- wear less than one bra. Smothering yourself in your own sweat drenched bosom while compressing your stomach into your thighs while bent over does not assist in focus or breathing. Rabbit pose is not for the buxom. Actually, almost any pose is not for the buxom
NEVER- eat a handful of lip-shaped cinnamon gummies four and half hours prior to class and think that is enough food to sustain you for the day. Lack of food, hundred and ten degree heat, fragrance of man feet and locked joints are not conducive to consciousness. The effect of above mentioned combonation is a bikram yoga faux pas and loss of dignity.
NEVER- wear a full face of makeup to class. Class is not a social in which you will meet a hot guy. Yoga men are gay, and do you really want someone with more flexiblity than you, who weighs less than you? When your face is melting off and you look like Marilyn Manson I will laugh during savasana. And you will get pimples.
NEVER- tell your best friend you secret sure-shot fart button. The result will be your friend inpersonating you farting uncontrollably during your attempted moment of zen. Moment of zen's are not for hysterical laughing.
NEVER- wear vanilla scented deodorant to class. While deliciously alluring after immediate application, reminding you of vanilla-rum pina coladas, once mixed with your own body odor will take on the nauseating scent of flamboyantly musty cheap $10 vanilla musk parfum. Sweaty vanilla ass does not promote mediation.
NEVER- wear speedos if you are fifty-plus pounds overweight and then do ab work during the pre-class zen moment. No one is impressed by your tolerance to the dry heat. I silently vomit in my mouth when you pale blue-veiny cellulite stomach compresses with every bicycle crunch you attempt, your black nylon speedo disappearing beneath your doughnut filled lard.
NEVER- forget to wear underwear. Class is not a free show for the creepy dude in the back. While you are supposed to look only at yourself, it is quite disturbing knowing some chick's hairy beaver is attempting to escape her cotton shorts. Doubly disturbing after thinking she had a small ferret taped to her underarms, only to realize said lady does not own a razor.
NEVER- wear less than one bra. Smothering yourself in your own sweat drenched bosom while compressing your stomach into your thighs while bent over does not assist in focus or breathing. Rabbit pose is not for the buxom. Actually, almost any pose is not for the buxom
NEVER- eat a handful of lip-shaped cinnamon gummies four and half hours prior to class and think that is enough food to sustain you for the day. Lack of food, hundred and ten degree heat, fragrance of man feet and locked joints are not conducive to consciousness. The effect of above mentioned combonation is a bikram yoga faux pas and loss of dignity.
NEVER- wear a full face of makeup to class. Class is not a social in which you will meet a hot guy. Yoga men are gay, and do you really want someone with more flexiblity than you, who weighs less than you? When your face is melting off and you look like Marilyn Manson I will laugh during savasana. And you will get pimples.
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