elevators
Elevators are by far one of the most uncomfortable places you can be at any given time. Frequently riding the same elevators day after day, I have started to discover idiosyncrasies of individual elevators. Some elevators have what appear to be claw marks on the sides of the doors, as if the uncomfortability reached an insurmountable level, or the stench of some receptionist’s cheap perfume caused a panic and mad dash for oxygen. All the elevators I ride in have real marble on the walls, and every elevator has different carpeting. I have named the elevators after 6 of the seven dwarves, and Sleepy holds you in an extra ten seconds on the lobby floor before opening the doors because the exterior light must blink an odd number more times than the other elevators. It really makes you look like an idiot because as you arrive to the lobby, everyone makes those first perfunctory steps towards the door, only to have to wait impossibly close to the delayed doors. Ten seconds is a long time spent mentally kicking yourself and becoming acquainted with antiqued brass doors smudged with finger prints, again looking like smears in an attempt at escape.
When the elevator doors slide open and two lonely people exit, they almost always have a look of relief. That minute spent with a stranger is sometimes the darkest part of people’s days. I’ll admit I silently wish for an empty elevator when I have to leave my 20th floor haven for the mail, lunch, breaks and for the day. I rarely get it, more often than not I’m stuck with tiny engineers talking engineer talk. Engineers are even more boring and personality lacking than hardcore antisocial computer nerds. And they are always just coming back from vacation, which must be nice, but not cool exotic places, their vacations are taken in Vancouver, WA or Tennessee. I have never once wanted to go to Tennessee.
My elevators don’t even have muzac, which is odd because they have to span 40-some-odd floors. Nothing to hum or bob your head, pretending the be total engrossed and therefore have a valid reason to avoid eye contact and conversation. People loose all sense of conversation skills when entering the elevator. They ask obvious questions like: “Sunchips for a snack, eh?” Or state the obvious: “Rain again.” Men become Capitan Obvious. I’ve also noticed that the predominant colors of corporate work attire are black and brown. Gray becomes a break in the norm. And the younger a woman is, the more she elaborate the clothing becomes, although not more vibrant. Receptionists, despite having the lowest corporate salaries, have the highest fashion sense. All this I’ve learned from riding my building’s elevators.
When the elevator doors slide open and two lonely people exit, they almost always have a look of relief. That minute spent with a stranger is sometimes the darkest part of people’s days. I’ll admit I silently wish for an empty elevator when I have to leave my 20th floor haven for the mail, lunch, breaks and for the day. I rarely get it, more often than not I’m stuck with tiny engineers talking engineer talk. Engineers are even more boring and personality lacking than hardcore antisocial computer nerds. And they are always just coming back from vacation, which must be nice, but not cool exotic places, their vacations are taken in Vancouver, WA or Tennessee. I have never once wanted to go to Tennessee.
My elevators don’t even have muzac, which is odd because they have to span 40-some-odd floors. Nothing to hum or bob your head, pretending the be total engrossed and therefore have a valid reason to avoid eye contact and conversation. People loose all sense of conversation skills when entering the elevator. They ask obvious questions like: “Sunchips for a snack, eh?” Or state the obvious: “Rain again.” Men become Capitan Obvious. I’ve also noticed that the predominant colors of corporate work attire are black and brown. Gray becomes a break in the norm. And the younger a woman is, the more she elaborate the clothing becomes, although not more vibrant. Receptionists, despite having the lowest corporate salaries, have the highest fashion sense. All this I’ve learned from riding my building’s elevators.
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