Discipline

In our modern day world of promoted indulgence, instant gratification, and insufficient money lessons and accountability, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to find my own discipline. Or even a small token of will power. Perhaps being a single adult with minimal responsibilities and no dependents has gone straight to my head; it is all too obvious that my decisions and actions really only affect me (thank goodness). Still, this behavior, attitude and ultimate state of mind is not conducive to wise spending or keeping a budget. I have goals, dammit!, goals of which I singlehandedly undermine.

Another year, another birthday and, to me, it’s always about the mid-July reflection upon personal growth and life path. Every year I do this, and every year I vow to make tangible progress. I’ve learned attempted progress without direction = going nowhere. Especially on the money front. Nothing keeps me awake at night like my money woes. I have one debt; $1200 on a credit card I have carried around for three years. I’ve had more than enough money to pay this, yet every month, there are other more appealing things to spend that payment on. And it keeps me awake at night. I lay in bed plotting how to get out from under the credit card thumb, until the next morning when I realize I need a pair of open-toed shoes in red/another cup of coffee/fresh veggies for dinner (despite a fridge full of groceries)/Happy Hour with friends, the list goes on, the amount I’m able to pay decreases, the minimum gets paid. The vicious cycle of financial self-abatement gets prolonged for another pay period. I’m frustrated. I have no one to blame but myself.

Now it’s time to set up some financial budget goals. I realized that relying on the powers that be to create my forward personal progress is not a good plan. Within the past month, spawned by recent relocation, I have become increasingly obsessed with my finances. Utilizing Excel spreadsheets, financial articles and books, I have created a very manageable budget with lots of leniency. It accomplishes my financial ambitions and monthly responsibilities while still leaving a considerable amount of change jingling in my pocket. I gather inspiration from bloggers going through the same thing: attempt to rein in unnecessary spending; taking care of my money now so, in turn, my money will take care of me. Two weeks into this budget, I have yet to tie my own hands regarding unbridled spending. On stupid crap. Is two weeks’ worth of failure too little time to determine I lack all sense of discipline? I have made minimal progress, I have yet to stick to any of my budget, save a bulk payment to that long overdue credit card â€" thank you automated payments through online banking. Short of throwing about my debit card (not a possibility, I do actually need it), I’m at a complete loss. I have an excuse or justification for everything and anything. My own reasons for saving are thrown out the window by my own reasonings. I’ve always heard the saying that humans can justify anything, I just had no idea I was my own justifying devil.

My quest to conquer my money demons and become fiscally smart makes me think about this world I live in. We are truly bombarded by advertisements that speak to our insecurities, tell us it’s okay to stretch beyond our meanings, encourage coveting of the Jones’. Every morning and evening I take a journey through retail propaganda where sidewalk window displays speak to woman in me, instigating impulse buys and necessary improvements to my wardrobe that already takes up three-quarters of my shared closet. Of course I am still at fault for succumbing to the will of marketing giants, but 24 years of shopping tendencies are hard to undo. Perhaps I need more patience in my budgeted mission. And a pair of blinders.