Practically married

I got to attend Mel Brook’s musical Young Frankenstein last night as a friend’s ‘date’ â€" it’s a she, not a he. During intermission, I had an uncomfortable non-invitation out for drinks with acquaintances, her co-workers, because before they could extend an invitation to me, they were informed that I am practically married and would not be joining them after the show. Wait, did I just see a pity nod? I anxiously twisted my necklace, gave a forced smile, a curt nod and looked away. This is awkward, how can I escape? I wasn’t upset that I wasn’t going out with them on a Wednesday night, or embarrassed that I have a significant other, I was more upset at being labeled.

I was insulted at being pegged as practically married because it gave the impression that I was ball-and-chained to a man against my will. That pity nod didn’t take into consideration that despite it only being intermission, I actually couldn’t wait to get home to my boyfriend. Practically married makes me think of people that glumly think about having to go home, dreading a choice less decision to go home, or a call pleading their case, negotiated some free time. He’s my boyfriend, not my prison warden. And even if he was my husband, that doesn’t mean I’m under lock and key. We don’t have a bureaucratic relationship; I don’t need to submit a request to leave the condo, have it approved, carbon-copied, lost, found, approved a second time, notarized, tear off and keep the canary copy for myself, pink copy to the Central office for filing and white copy to my spouse. Drinks with a friend’s male co-workers would have been fine, IF I had made the decision (which is mine, and mine alone) to join them. Had I been allowed to speak for myself, I would have voluntarily declined because I WANTED to go home and watch Sopranos, which was being Tivo’d by my wonderful man.

Additionally, when did life end when you get married? Are we paying too much attention to movies, musicals and shows? Why is it that in majority of movies and shows, the courtship, the pre-marriage affair is the only part that seems to matter? Young Frankenstein promptly ended when two couples got engaged. I understand the need for a show to end but am I to believe that the real purpose of the show was for those four people to end up at the altar, not for Frankenstein to tame a monster he created? In real life, the amount of time you spend courting someone is insignificant in comparison to the years you are (supposed to be) married. Not saying everyone should run to their significant other and demand a jaunt down the aisle because you have been dating the pre-determined amount of time. I also don’t believe that dating’s sole purpose is a marriage certificate and an overpriced wedding cake. It could be a life together for two people, but really, I don’t need to put in the practically married bin yet. Who knows if the person you’re dating just wants companionship, a dedicated Yatzhee partner, instead of a ring on their finger and a tax deduction. Next time I’d much rather tell people I’m happily attached to someone that I’d rather spend time with. Going out with two dudes who wear more jewelry than I and have thrilling stories of Saturday night in which they forgot where they were, who they were with, passed out drunk, gave up drinking and promptly jumped off the bandwagon when two girls showed up is not my idea of fun. And I figured that out without a ring on my finger.