one of THOSE days

Ever have one of THOSE days? A day when you’re gonna see your little sister that you haven’t seen in about 11 years, and have barely talked to, and you’re just totally freaking out ‘cause you don’t really have a great familial bond (with anyone in your family) so you don’t know how she’ll react to you ‘cause you’re kind of a nut, but she doesn’t know that yet (how could she? You’ve only talked to her like 5 times in eleven years) and you also don’t know how you’ll react ‘cause you already know you’re a nut, so you can’t really eat and you think you’re gonna vomit every five seconds and you’re fidgeting and trying to distract yourself and it worked for half the day but it’s not working now so you’re just doing busy work psyching yourself out for the impending re-connection with your little sister who’s not little anymore, she’s 21. That’s my day.

I’m total complete wreck. I half way want to cry ‘cause I feel like a horrible person for not seeing my little sister in so long but I don’t really cry, unless I’ve been drinking, so I just have a mild nauseous feeling. And I'm nervous, edging, jumpy. It’s not that I don’t want to see her, that’s not it at all. I just don’t do well in these situations. Reconnecting. Small talk. Family situations. I try to keep my family visits to 4 days or shorter, usually occurring once every 2 to 3 years and that’s will members that I have an established history with. That’s because I go a little cuckoo if I’m around them for longer, a whole different grumpy person comes out after four days. But she’s coming here and I should feel a little better, more relaxed having her in my home but that’s just not the case. It’s worse when family comes to see me; I feel the judging eyes of family members as they drink in my environment, making mental notes on how I’m failing at adulthood and memorizing the evidence substantiating that I am just throwing my life away. Funny how the anticipated landing of my estranged sister, whom I have no history with since I was damn near 13, can bring up my family anxiety. I want to hyper ventilate and self-medicate. Instead I compulsively clean, prep and gather items I think I’ll need. Tablecloth, candles, wines, dish drainer. Am I trying to seduce her? No, but solidifying myself in the good graces with my family has always seemed like a play of seduction. Can I win you with some fine wine, a delicious meal and a romantic ambiance, ‘cause goodness knows my intellect and charm do nothing for you. Again, I apply the techniques I use on my other family members to her, although I logically know she’s not going to care if the bathtub rug is fluffed and the granite does not set forth a mirror like sheen.

My day seems to be lasting forever. I’ve been dreaming of steaming up my bathroom by drawing a scalding hot bath, then lowering myself into it where I will read a horrible novel and sip Yellow Tail merlot until I’ve reached a lobster red color. I don’t even like baths, but I feel I definitely need something to distract me. Stiff drink, a joint, Vicodin, a movie, dancing midgets, whatever. Anything to make the Monday end so I can get the expected awkwardness of seeing my little sister out of the way. Something to get me through tonight so I can wake up tomorrow morning laughing at my ability to drive myself crazy with exaggerations. I have no expectations, or at least that is what I tell myself. If I didn’t have expectations, would I be a train wreck? I’m disappointed that I would jump to conclusions about someone that I hardly know, but I don’t know that I’m one for open-mindedness on the home front.

It's like worst case scenarios keeping sprinting through my brain. What if she thinks I'm judgmental, have an anger problem, swear too much, stink, am half-retarded and a bad cook? Will she look unfavorably upon me as I beat a cab with my cane umbrella? Will she think my collection of high heels signifies I'm shallow and vain? Will she wonder just whose sick joke it was to bestow me as her older sister? I’m so good at psyching myself out.