baby shower
I got invited to my first ever baby shower and it’s depressing. I was just reviewing the baby registry and can’t help but sigh repetitively and roll my eyes at the unnecessary items that people want. I adore the pregnant woman and am happy for her, but I just feel like I am too young for this type of thing. A baby shower? What the hell do I do at a baby shower? I’m supposed to bring a baby/small child photo of myself. Why? I’m not a ‘lady that lunches,’ and I have visions of miniature food in pale pinks and blues being served with decaf coffee. I’m imagining a situation that would require me to raise my pinkie as I drink out a delicate coffee cup, the same situation may require me to wear some sort of a pastel Spring suit, a matching hat, gloves and cross my legs at all times. Quiet demure giggles and golf claps as the mother-to-be opens gifts wrapped in rattle paper. Soft gasps and whispers of “it’s so precious,” as I try not to audibly remark about how much they are going to regret getting knocked up when the poop machine comes flying from her womb. I might get carried away and tee-hee at the breast pump, but I’m blaming it on peer pressure.
I’m not anti-kids, I think I am anti-social situations. I do consider myself to be quite socially awkward, although I think I hide it well. Perhaps it’s age appropriate social situations. But I haven’t even been weaned into this situation yet. All of my highschool girlfriends had babies while still in highschool. Teenage pregnancies usually don’t require baby showers, and thank goodness they don’t because I would have boycotted. I’m anti-idiocy and I happen think being 15 with a bun in the oven is tops on the “I’m an idiot” list. The last girl to get pregnant actually waited until after graduation. I was a nanny, and my nanny family gave me an old crib to give to my misguided pregnant future ex-friend. I drove all the way out to her low-income housing home, delivered the crib and said “I probably won’t see you again.” I stopped taking her phone calls (in all fairness, it’s because she after the kid popped out, she realized how much it sucked taking care of a kid all by yourself and wanted me around to pick up the slack). I eventually ran into her a Target and after looking at her enormously chubby hellion and thinking “Jesus crime that baby is hideous,” I thankfully haven’t seen her since.
I haven’t even been to a bachelorette party or an engagement party, which I think might have gotten me a little prepared, at least mentally. After an engagement party, there’s a bachelorette party, then a wedding, and once the honeymoon is over, sometimes those couples decide to start reproducing. So I may have been mentally ready, or at least understood that next could be a party to celebrate a new pooper. No. I’m not ready and I’m too sarcastic and socially retarded to look forward to spending my Sunday with a group of baby-crazed girls. Baby-crazed girls I don’t even know.
I had to take stock of my life right now and the people in it. I’ve realized I’m surrounded by girls that are just chomping at the marital bit and I’m going to have to be involved in these things more and more often. I’ve actually been anticipating one of them announcing (in a highly smug and prideful way) that they are engaged. At which time I will loudly announce (in a highly sarcastic, slightly venomous way) that they have beat me to the gate and are officially WINNERS at the game of life.
Upon receipt of such future party/shower invitations – engagement, bachelorette, wedding, baby – I will interpret them more as “poor parties” as in, they have not properly planned ahead and are not financial set to for whatever; therefore they would like me to purchase things for them. Purchase things like drinks and a stripper at their bachelorette party, Cuisanart and crystal vases at their wedding and all organic onesees and a wipe warmer for their baby. A savings plan and forethought would mean they are monetarily set for whatever upcoming life changing moment they are planning, and I don’t have pick up the burden waste my hard earned money. Really, I consider this to be highly un-thoughtful. I didn’t throw a Canine Shower when the Man and I got our dog, registering at PetSmart for puppy pads, Simply Solution and a pooper scooper.
Having friends can be such an imposition, I wonder why I even bother. I got invited to my first ever baby shower and it’s depressing. I was just reviewing the baby registry and can’t help but sigh repetitively and roll my eyes at the unnecessary items that people want. I adore the pregnant woman and am happy for her, but I just feel like I am too young for this type of thing. A baby shower? What the hell do I do at a baby shower? I’m supposed to bring a baby/small child photo of myself. Why? I’m not a ‘lady that lunches,’ and I have visions of miniature food in pale pinks and blues being served with decaf coffee. I’m imagining a situation that would require me to raise my pinkie as I drink out a delicate coffee cup, the same situation may require me to wear some sort of a pastel Spring suit, a matching hat, gloves and cross my legs at all times. Quiet demure giggles and golf claps as the mother-to-be opens gifts wrapped in rattle paper. Soft gasps and whispers of “it’s so precious,” as I try not to audibly remark about how much they are going to regret getting knocked up when the poop machine comes flying from her womb. I might get carried away and tee-hee at the breast pump, but I’m blaming it on peer pressure.
I’m not anti-kids, I think I am anti-social situations. I do consider myself to be quite socially awkward, although I think I hide it well. Perhaps it’s age appropriate social situations. But I haven’t even been weaned into this situation yet. All of my highschool girlfriends had babies while still in highschool. Teenage pregnancies usually don’t require baby showers, and thank goodness they don’t because I would have boycotted. I’m anti-idiocy and I happen think being 15 with a bun in the oven is tops on the “I’m an idiot” list. The last girl to get pregnant actually waited until after graduation. I was a nanny, and my nanny family gave me an old crib to give to my misguided pregnant future ex-friend. I drove all the way out to her low-income housing home, delivered the crib and said “I probably won’t see you again.” I stopped taking her phone calls (in all fairness, it’s because she after the kid popped out, she realized how much it sucked taking care of a kid all by yourself and wanted me around to pick up the slack). I eventually ran into her a Target and after looking at her enormously chubby hellion and thinking “Jesus crime that baby is hideous,” I thankfully haven’t seen her since.
I haven’t even been to a bachelorette party or an engagement party, which I think might have gotten me a little prepared, at least mentally. After an engagement party, there’s a bachelorette party, then a wedding, and once the honeymoon is over, sometimes those couples decide to start reproducing. So I may have been mentally ready, or at least understood that next could be a party to celebrate a new pooper. No. I’m not ready and I’m too sarcastic and socially retarded to look forward to spending my Sunday with a group of baby-crazed girls. Baby-crazed girls I don’t even know.
I had to take stock of my life right now and the people in it. I’ve realized I’m surrounded by girls that are just chomping at the marital bit and I’m going to have to be involved in these things more and more often. I’ve actually been anticipating one of them announcing (in a highly smug and prideful way) that they are engaged. At which time I will loudly announce (in a highly sarcastic, slightly venomous way) that they have beat me to the gate and are officially WINNERS at the game of life.
Upon receipt of such future party/shower invitations – engagement, bachelorette, wedding, baby – I will interpret them more as “poor parties” as in, they have not properly planned ahead and are not financial set to for whatever; therefore they would like me to purchase things for them. Purchase things like drinks and a stripper at their bachelorette party, Cuisanart and crystal vases at their wedding and all organic onesees and a wipe warmer for their baby. A savings plan and forethought would mean they are monetarily set for whatever upcoming life changing moment they are planning, and I don’t have pick up the burden waste my hard earned money. Really, I consider this to be highly un-thoughtful. I didn’t throw a Canine Shower when the Man and I got our dog, registering at PetSmart for puppy pads, Simply Solution and a pooper scooper.
Having friends can be such an imposition, I wonder why I even bother. |
pffftt. You're gonna enjoy the "Hey! I have a baby! Look at my baby! Do you want to see pictures of my baby??? I can't believe you're not looking at my baby!! Do you want to see our wedding album??" crowd. I think wedding registries are total bullshit. Hey we're getting married, we need this stuff. $100 is a rule of thumb ::cough cough:: I don't reward people for doing something that millions of other people do, especially if I think one or both of the bride/groom duo is an ass neck. I provide a few solid hours of drunken Joe D entertainment, that's your gift. Friends can be an imposition, but at least they've acknowledged adulthood which is more than can be said for some other people...
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