pullup goal

I cannot, for the life of my 5’2 body, do a pullup.  If I were to attempt this archaic form of exercise, I would have to pull out a stool, place it under the bar, climb the little stool steps, extend my puny girl arms, grasp the bar and immediately start sweating while no perceptible movement upwards was noticeable.  Then I’d accidentally kick the stool away in my struggles for fitness and I’d start crying ‘cause it’s so high and I’m dangling.

I remember the President’s Challenge Physical Fitness Test that was administered to elementary school kids.  I remember the first and ONLY time I ever participated in it.  It was like putting the fat girl on parade.  Putting the fat girl on parade in tight little kids clothing then asking her to do retarded things with her ungraceful and fitness-challenged tubby body.  Everyone had to get in line and perform some stupid exercise task while the rest of the class watched.  There was timing and shouts of encouragement that scared me and pigeon-chested boys boasting about how many situps/pullup/pushups they did.  Why ‘ups’?  I can do, like a million sitdowns in a minute if asked.  But I wasn’t asked to do sitdowns, and I could only do four situps in a minute.  Serious, no joke.  I was laughed at. 

With the pull-ups, you had a choice.  I guess they knew I was coming and to lessen the sting of being a fat little kid, I had the option of hanging.  As in working yourself up into a pullup position – with the help of the teacher, duh – and staying in that position for as long as possible.  I remember the teacher putting me into pullup position at least three times because every time she let go, my little girly arms would fail and I’d drop.  As I hung from that bar while kids stared at me like headless chicken slowly dying, I thought “What is this for?  To make see how long I would last before plummeting to my death if I was clinging to the roof of a million-story building?”  I’ve blocking out my time on the hanging exercise, the trauma is too intense.

I’m goaling myself for a pullup.  I think a pullup is a worthy opponent in my fitness realm.  But, I have no clue as to the mechanic of actually performing a pullup.  And, my logical brain has been trying to figure out just what my girly muscles will have to do to achieve a full pullup.  I don’t even know if I can technically do a pullup, I’ve got a few minuses in my pullup ability chart.  Well my chart looks like this:

Pullup Ability Chart

Perhaps it’s not even feasible.  And I’m trying to determine just how much my little muscles should be able to lift to perform this.  Do my biceps need to curl, like, I don’t know, half my body weight?  Should I bench press my entire body weight?  What about my back?  Do shoulders come into play?  If it’s four muscles groups, logic would lead me to believe that each should lift one-quarter of my weight, but some muscles are smaller, some larger, what is the ratio of muscle size to proportionate weight lifting?  I’m very muscle-y from the waist down, which would obviously weigh more than my non-muscle-y upper body, should I stop strength training the lower half?

I consulted with the Man last night, but the only thing I got out of our brief conversation was that he could probably do a pullup.  At least he didn’t say it while strutting and puffing out a pigeon chest.  Why are girls so puny?