A gossip revolt

The juice.  The buzz.  The GOSSIP.

I just don’t understand gossip about real human people.  I grasp the general concept of celebrity gossip; let’s face it, they’re not ACTUAL human beings, so it’s okay to talk about them and the general population are feeble minded ass-hats that need a distraction from their wasted lives, so they live vicariously through ‘celebrities.’  I am not a celebrity, but I always hear gossip about myself.

I, on occasion, and more frequently than I care for, run into people from my past.  I don’t keep friends, I’m a homebody loner by nature and am universally disenchanted with people.  Almost all people.  When just such a situation arises in which a person I knew as some point in time is in close proximity to me, I ignore them.  Pretend I don’t see them.  Sometimes blatantly, like on time a guy named Chris from my highschool ran into me in the elevator bay of my office building.  Little did I know he worked in the same building; we boarded the same elevator, he stood next to me and STARED.  I ignored.  One of those blissfully ignorant looks gracing my face, which is actually a blissfully smug look while I think to myself “Yes, I know you.  No, I’m not going to give you the satisfaction my acknowledgment that I know you.”  It’s mainly because I hate small talk.  I hate that “Oh!  Hi, I haven’t seen you in forever!  Sheesh, you look great, what are you up to, how’s life, what’s new…” blah, bah-blah, ba, blah.  It’s so fake.  I just option out. 

But, I do get stuck actually having to talk to people.  And that’s terrible.  Because they always have the scoop on me.  “I heard this…” “I heard that…”  Really?  From who?  Because I haven’t heard one damn thing about you, nor have I inquired or care and it’s uncomfortable that you know so much about me.  I feel like my house have been tapped and I’m under surveillance. 

So, when someone I used to know, as in no longer know, tells me she heard – heard being an operative word, she did not say ‘saw,’ like on myspace or a spotting – it makes me really wonder JUST WHO IS GIVING OUT MY INFORMATION?! 

Once someone told me they heard I had gotten married.  Another person thought I had given birth.  And, my personal favorite, I hear that I’ve had an eating disorder more times than I care to remember. 

Every time I run into someone, there are requirements, process followed.  An obligatory sweeping look at my physical form, which I imagine is coupled with the questions: did she get fatter, did she lose weight?  There’s the questioning: how are you?  Followed by the juice: I heard…When we part there’s the “Call me!” thrown out there, even though we both know, I ain’t gonna call you. 

If I’m smart, I’d start baiting people to see the channels gossip flows.  I’d tell people things like: Oh my gosh!  I just got out of a psych ward.  Yea, I just cracked one day.  But I’m all better now.  Or maybe:  Hey, I’m moving.  To Alaska.  I’m just tired of society.  Perhaps I tell people I’m a lesbian, that I’ve adopted a couple of chestnut mares, that I have triplets, that I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.  Just to mess with people.  Or when they throw out the “I heard…” I should follow with “Really, I’m surprised to see you, I heard you were in prison.”  Or, “I never thought I’d recognize you again.  I heard you were becoming a man/woman.  Must not have had the operation it yet.  I think it very brave.”

I need to do my part.