Weekly Vociferation

This is pretty much the worst street to walk down if you don’t have jump a metro.

But I walk it.  Everyday.  Because I’m known for my beauty, not my brains.

It’s sprinkle outside, nothing unusual for Seattle, although you’d think the inhabitants of this city were made out of spun sugar and therefore their fragile bodies were in dire danger of melting, because everyone’s got their umbrellas out, fighting for space on a sidewalk that we can’t even comfortable stand shoulder to shoulder on.  But, for some reason, umbrellas in the drizzle seems like a good idea to majority of the herd.  I’m trucking along, I’ve got my trusty blue Giants hat on, and even though I have hair that does a great impression of Gizmo with water, a hat works perfectly fine.  ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT’S JUST DRIZZLING.  I look up in time to see someone blocking the way – gender unknown because this genius brought their with pterodactyl-wing span wide umbrella. This thing could provide shelter to at least 3 homeless people if they are lying down, I’m thinking a good 10, maybe 12 standing if they haven’t eaten in a while.  This obviously not-too-bright individual is lost, and he/she keeps swinging around, trying to get a look at where they are going or maybe, where it left the logical part of its brain.  There’s absolutely no way I can maneuver around this person, I’m trapped between the dense crowd of bus waiters and newspaper displays, and as usual, there are a few crazies standing in the way trying to read the front page of some Seattle paper, like they didn’t have all day to do that. One such crazy gets beamed right in the head by the umbrella wielding dill-hole.  Luckily for him, the impalement of those pokie umbrella end thingies immediately lobotomized him so he had bigger issues, like figuring out what his name was and standing dumbfounded in the middle of the sidewalk.  Lobotomy victim didn’t even bat an eye when he took that shot to the dome.  Coulda lost his eye.

Right after I start swelling with rage at the injustice of umbrella assault on defenseless, albeit brainless victims, umbrella-dork does a 45 degree half turn and I realize I’m not just dealing with an inconsiderate precipitation nerd, I’m dealing with a mostly blind, poncho-wearing, cargo pants sporting, hiking boots stomping, card carrying granola girl, who is in her forties.  She looks like she’s expecting the skies to part and the Pacific Ocean to fall onto her gimongo umbrella, if that happens, she wants to be sure she’s wearing the necessary Columbia gear for that adventure.  And half of her head is locked behind a pair of sweet-ass coke bottle glasses.

My head is filled with my own voice yelling “Seriously?!  Seriously?  Come on, SERIOUSLY?!” ala Jim Mora Coors Light commercial.  The woman is practically covered in water proof gear from head to toe and she still thinks a GOLF UMBRELLA is necessary. Seriously?

Let me enlighten you, because I can tell those coke-bottle glasses have spent too much time in the sun’s direct rays and that’s resulted in cooking your brain like the poor ants little boys murder with a magnifying glass.  There’s been an invention, and I’m sure you haven’t heard about it because your solar-powered radio only gets NPR, but they have these things.  They’re attached to the backs of coats, about neck level.  It’s like a little pouch. YES!  You have one on your poncho!  It’s called a hood.  It’s used to cover your head in case, now this is a rare possibility, but a possibility nonetheless, the clouds above start sprinkling.  You reach behind and pull it up over your head, like so, you’re has fancy drawstrings too.  To make sure you head really doesn’t get wet.

Now.  Because you have that pair of magnifying glasses strapped to your face, I’m gonna tell you about something revolutionary.  And again, I don’t blame you for not knowing about it, I’m sure you spend a great deal of time in your Prius, driving around to organic farmer’s markets and protesting with Green Peace.  Those are time consuming commitments. Anyway.  See this on my head?  The blue thing with “Giant” written on it?  Yep.  See how it fits over the crown of my head?  Right above the ears?  Uh-huh, and this snazzy thing extending over my face, it’s called a bill and this whole contraption is a hat.  It protects your head and your face and I think this is especially great for you ‘cause we don’t want those awesome glasses getting rain spatters on them.  Double bonus: since I’m pretty sure they don’t make prescription simple-microscope-sunglasses, this innovation will be very helpful in the warmer months to shield your eyes while you’re out bird watching or volunteering at an oil spill or whatever.

Or, get one of these.  You look goofy enough already.  Commit to goof wardrobe.